My War Against Myself

As fallen humans, we have many failings. Throughout my life, I have seen this truth play out in many, many ways. The example that comes first to mind is my war against myself.

Growing up, I lived in a Christian home where I had the amazing opportunity to be homeschooled! I was truly blessed to have a family that loved me and the Lord with all their hearts. As a result, I learned about God and his word early in my life and accepted Christ into my heart at age 6 or 7. However, as is the story of all mankind, my sin got in between me and Christ

At age 13, I was exposed to pornography and sexual sin. My life changed drastically at that moment. Over the next 5 years, even up until this post, the spiritual war that has been waging inside of my heart has been over my lust and consuming selfishness.

At first, I began this war alone, trying to conquer this sin by myself. This failed… quite miserably. In the next battle of this many-year war, I tried to find accountability partners, including my parents and my friends, who were more than willing to help me. Nonetheless, I continued to fall into temptation. My next tactic was to use web blockers and other tools to help build a wall between me and my temptations. This was to no avail.

Again and again, I fought this war by myself, and again and again, I found myself losing more battles than I won. My sin was beating me, and as I lost this war against myself, I began to turn away my closest allies. Rather than strengthen relationships with people who would fight this war with me, I ignored them and kept them at an arm’s distance. I was ashamed of myself. I had declared all of my life to love a God who had forgiven me of everything I had ever done against him. Yet, the only thing I could seem to repay him with was insult and injury. At age 16, roughly 10 years after dedicating my life to Christ, it felt as if I had turned my back on Christ. It seemed to me that the war was almost over and that my sin would be the victor.

Then, in March of 2023, the war changed entirely. Early in 2022, I was approached with an opportunity to work at YoungLife’s Trail West in Buena Vista, CO, but due to prior commitments, I had to turn down the offer. This offer was re-extended to me for the Summer of 2023 and this time I said yes. At the time, I had no idea what kind of journey I had started, but I praised God because he did, and it was more than I ever could have dreamed of.

When I started working at Trail West for the entirety of June 2023, I knew no one. In fact, I had never participated in Young Life up until that point (which is extremely rare for a summer work crew volunteer). While I worked at camp, I began to forge some of the most authentic, real, and unfiltered relationships I had ever had. I opened up to these believers in a way that I never had with my friends back home. As I lived and worked with these people over the next month, I told them about my struggles with lust and selfishness, and my friends encouraged me and strengthened me in a way that I had never known before. I felt my relationship with the Lord grow in ways that I could hardly believe. I saw head knowledge I had aquired over many years become heartfelt belief in a mere matter of weeks.

When I came home from camp, I was more myself than I had been in years. Finally after years of fighting I had won a battle. However, I made a fatal mistake. I believed that because I had won a single battle I had won my war. I have now learned that my battle doesn’t end until this flesh has gone into the grave.

My senior year was a blur of school and attempts to find a purpose for my life and through it all I relaxed my defenses and fell deep into temptation. I had backslid straight to where I had began. I felt my relationship with the Lord begin to deteriorate and I began to neglect my allies once more. By the beginning of 2024 I felt no different than I had in January of 2023. There was one difference though, I knew something better, and for once I could feel the hole in my heart. I knew what I was battling for.

Then I told my friend Bryson about my struggle. Bryson helped me realize the importance of true unfiltered relationship with other believers and identify the importance of true biblical community. I saw my struggle begin to diminish as I let Bryson challenge me. Soon I noticed that by letting Bryson into my heart, I had let Christ back in as well. I had forgotten what it felt like to truly be in relationship with the Lord.

As soon as I entered back into relationship with him, Jesus almost immediately began to change my mindset. I realized that all along I had thought I was fighting the war against myself, but really I had never been fighting against myself, I had been fighting against Christ.

I am still fighting this war. I am still a fallen sinner. As Paul says in Romans 7:19, “For I do the good I want, but the evil that I do not want is what I keep on doing.” I still sin, I still do not do the good I want. But by the grace of God, someday I will be free from this war, and one day, I will sing praise to the God who fights this war for me.

This is the story of My War Against Myself, a spiritual war over my soul. A war that will continue until that final day when Christ comes home, and we all join in the Marriage Supper of the Lamb.