The Broken

I am filled with filth

And my heart is overcome with shame.

 

I see my faults and sins laid bare

And on my own shoulders I lay the blame.

 

There is none that can bear my burden

There is none that can rekindle my hearts flame.

 

Only my anger now brings me hope.

And my soul is weary with sorrow.

 

For everyday my mistakes define me

And I fear what may come tomorrow.

 

Yet I’ve heard of a story of redemption

And I’ve said I believe it in my heart.

 

But to accept it I must give away my burdens

And in truth I know not where to start.

 

“My filth defines me!” screams my soul

“these sins make me who I am!”

 

My head does not believe this

But somehow my heart cannot see the scam.

 

My head needs nothing more

It’s library is filled to overflowing.

 

But my heart needs more than just convincing,

And my soul needs more than just where I’m going.

 

My shame consumes me

And regret cloaks me like a garment.

 

Every mistake adds more to my burden,

And its weight becomes evermore my torment.

 

“Where is there hope?” My soul cries out

“Where is there freedom?”

 

My head knows the answer,

But my heart cannot see the kingdom.

 

6 months ago I wrote this poem. 6 months ago this felt like my identity. I was a man overcome by shame and covered up by the darkness that shrouded my soul. For years I had lived two lives, a life I lived for Christ in front of my family and friends and a life that was hidden behind closed doors, a life that no one could know about, held behind the doors of my heart, because if the world saw who Tanner really was, then they would abandon him.

This fear of abandonment and that no one cared who I really was, chased me all through middle and high school, to the point where I just shut down. I pushed my closest friends to the corner and confided in no one, because if you really knew me, than you wouldn’t want to be around me.

So, let’s talk about who I thought I was; I thought that I was a liar, that I’m selfish, that I’m prideful, and that above all I am not worthy of love because no one wants to be around someone who makes as many mistakes as me.

This went on for a few years, then I started to come out of my shell in senior year and start to talk to my friends and family about my sins and pride. Then I got hurt. I told the girl I had been dating for a few months about some sin struggles that I had (go read this blog for more) and she left me a week later, the same week I wrote the poem above. I was broken.

So, in the same week, I wrote this poem as well:

 

I took off my mask for someone I loved

I took it off so that I might be loved.

 

This mask was my lifeline, my hope, and my name

But once it was off I would at once feel ashamed.

 

This person I loved, I had befriended and trusted

But I was too horrid, my real self made her disgusted.

 

My mask she had loved and treasured and kept

Just to find that it wasn’t for me she had wept.

 

Was this all truth? No, but it encapsulates exactly how I felt at the time: alone.

I wasn’t okay for weeks. I felt alone and unloved and I felt like I could never trust anyone again.

I signed up for this trip two weeks later and now that I’m here, I realize that I still haven’t stopped worrying about what people think about me. I want them to think that I’m funny and smart and knowledgeable and a good speaker. Does any of that really matter though? Does it matter what they think? Yes, to me, it really did. When I showed up to training camp, I was surrounded by 12 other people who had no idea who I was. I had never met them before, they had never met my family, and the only way to know who I was, was by looking at me. So, I immediately put on my mask and to be honest I can barely tell where my mask ends and I begin now. I’ve covered the real me up with the fake person I want others to see for so long, I truly can’t distinguish between the authentic me and what I am trying to portray. I’ve faked it so hard, that I’ve split in two and now merged into one.

I feel two faced, unauthentic, and fake. How do I come back from that? I know the answer, I just never wanted to hear it; confess, bring it to light, don’t hide.

So, now here I am, the morning after telling my Squad that I’ve been wearing a mask. Now the entire world knows. What’s there left to lose now? My dignity? My image? My pride?

Praise God!!! Because now there is nothing stopping me from throwing myself fully at him.

Praise the Lord, all nations! Extol him, all peoples! For great is his steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.

-Psalm 117